Tag Archives: God

I’m so confused…

I sit in a hospital room, as she sleeps.  She’s recovering from surgery. Still in pain, but she’s getting better.  Good news is the surgery was a success. Now the rehab begins.

“I’m so confused, I know I heard you loud and clear”

As a kid, I’ve heard of miracles.  I was even a part of one, as my parents tell me.  When I was around eight, I went into the hospital with fever and vomiting.  All I knew is I was sick, and they wouldn’t let me eat or have water. I remember crying, because I was thirsty.  

According to the doctors, I had appendicitis, and needed surgery.  My dad and his friend, a preacher, went into a closet, and started to pray. He was a young dad, new to God and prayer, and desperate to see his son better.

Eventually, I think I spent three days in the hospital.  According to my dad, the fever broke after the prayers. The doctors kept me under observation, perplexed at the sudden change of events.  I was eventually released from the hospital, free and clear. No surgery for appendicitis. A walking miracle.

“So, I followed through, somehow I ended up here”

Now, she is in the hospital.  A broken femur, the result of cancer.  Doctors have told us that she’s is in great shape, considering the journey she’s been on.  This doesn’t ease the pain, though. The uncertainty.

“I don’t wanna think, I may never understand

That my broken heart is a part of your plan”

When she was first diagnosed, we were shocked.  In the middle of a move, this was the last thing we expected to hear from her doctors.  We cried, we had questions, we were scared. We learned the hard way that cancer doesn’t care about relocating or plans for the future.  In an instant, the adventure of a new start was overshadowed by the fears of treatments, side effects, and the dark road that is a fight against a formidable foe.  But I also learned that, as she constantly reminds me, everything happens for a reason.

“When I try to pray, all I’ve got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done”

In all my frustrations, pleadings, and anxieties, the words of this song are a reminder.  That I don’t have to have answers. When I feel like the walls are crashing in, its not the end of the story.  That trust is a thing, not just for fairy tales, but for everyday life.

That faith is not about manipulating God to be a genie of sorts, granting our every wish.  That God, who formed a universe, in order to form a planet, in order to form humanity in God’s image, is the same God who wanted a relationship with humanity.  A humanity, that chose to trust knowledge over God, and its own capacities over the capacities of the author of life and matter and energy.

A humanity, that turned on each other as it turned away from God.  A humanity that has proved a moral law by its immoral actions against each other, the animals, plants, and the planet itself.  A humanity, that through its attempts to establish the rule of law, as exposed how lawless their hearts are. A humanity, that has became incapable of fixing itself, regardless of how many self help books and programs are peddled about.

A humanity desperate for meaning and purpose.  A humanity that drowns its pain in pleasure, in sex, in all kinds of endorphin inducing substances and activities.  All in, we have become addicted to anything that will dull the pain of our emptiness, distract us from the loneliness, mask the depression, and hide the hurt.  A humanity, that God chose to intervene with, and to offer a second chance.

“Sometimes I gotta stop

Remember that you’re God

And I am not”

Cancer may be just one of the natural consequences of our choices, and the choices of our ancestors.  God is still interested in having a relationship with us, so much, that God became one of us, lived with us, and died the death of a criminal for the crimes we committed against humanity and it’s Creator.

We are not giving up the fight.  We will continue to work towards a future where she will be cancer free, stronger, and healthier.  But in the back of our minds, through good days, bad days, and the many days in between, the lyrics continue to play in the background of our lives.

“I know you see me

I know you hear me, Lord

Your plans are for me

Goodness you have in store”


Lyrics from “Thy Will Be Done” by Hillary Scott, https://youtu.be/PAmh3yvmzXs